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ever_neutralif love is truth, then i'm a fraud
the vampire diaries, damon salvatore, damon/katherine, damon/elena
pg-13. spoilers for all aired episodes. 589 words.
He'd feel more remorse, but he's never claimed to be brave.
a/n: in ~celebration of the end of the hiatus, here's some personal canon for the 4 people on my flist who still care about this boy, lol.
1. He never understood why his father hated him. Damon Salvatore was a human who dreamt of beauty and love and kindness. He never understood the meaning in the cruel lines etched in Giuseppe Salvatore's face every time he spared his older son a glance.
1a. He understands it now.
2. He misses his mother.
But she's long gone, like a wisp of smoke, an illusion in the night, and his world is dark until the day he dies.
(It's dark after that, too.)
He used to imagine a light at the end of the long tunnel – if he is good, if he is worthy, and if he waits, she'll come back to him.
Damon doesn't believe in salvation anymore.
3. He doesn't hate Stefan when he leaves him in that corpse-strewn house. (Stefan can have it. That place was never home. Not to him.)
No, the hate comes later: a bitter taste at the back of his throat as he's gulping human blood like brandy, his brother's face flashing behind his eyes.
The last time Damon saw his brother, Stefan was covered in blood.
It's simply easier to keep thinking of him that way.
(The next time he sees Stefan, he's an enemy.)
4. Deep down, he always knew Katherine was a lie. Don't be dense. How do you think he managed to hold on as long as he did?
4a. But lie or no, she's in every part of him now, seeped down to the bones that allow his every movement. Damon knows damn well he owes his survival to that psychotic bitch.
5. Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert.
The phrase is startling and unsteady in his mind. It quivers, fragile and intangible and just out of reach.
Not like: Damon Salvatore loves Katherine Pierce. That was a truth of his condition through life and death; it didn’t require questioning or verifying.
(Now it doesn’t bear thinking about.)
And not like: Stefan Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert. That's expected. The hero loves the heroine. A time-honoured tradition that’ll persist long after they’re all gone.
(And naturally, Elena Gilbert loves Stefan Salvatore is the second half of that equation.)
Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert…?
That’s new. He doesn’t have an answer. There is no answer. It’s an unsolved anomaly. It trips him up. Weighs heavy on his tongue.
(He’ll set it free, just once – and then he’ll pull it back inside himself. No one need know.)
This is a truth too heavy to support.
He takes it away from her.
6. He'll bleed you dry and steal your agency before he'll tell you why.
That's no bluff. He is genuinely every bit that cruel.
7. It's always a laugh to make them believe they're in love with him.
There's no danger in it (not for him), because there's no truth either.
(He'd feel more remorse, but he's never claimed to be brave.)
8. He'll die for Elena if he has to. She won't accept his love, but she'll probably accept his death.
8a. He no longer believes in hope, and that's how he knows he's not underestimating her.
9. He does miss being human. He wasn't lying about that. Mostly, Damon misses not being ashamed about it.
Then again, you really can't trust anything that cold-blooded murderer says.
10. Damon Salvatore is a survivor. He knows the truth of this, because he's still standing – against hope, against happiness, against every possible argument regarding what he deserves or not.
And really, that's the point. He's starting to get it.
*
the vampire diaries, damon salvatore, damon/katherine, damon/elena
pg-13. spoilers for all aired episodes. 589 words.
He'd feel more remorse, but he's never claimed to be brave.
a/n: in ~celebration of the end of the hiatus, here's some personal canon for the 4 people on my flist who still care about this boy, lol.
1. He never understood why his father hated him. Damon Salvatore was a human who dreamt of beauty and love and kindness. He never understood the meaning in the cruel lines etched in Giuseppe Salvatore's face every time he spared his older son a glance.
1a. He understands it now.
2. He misses his mother.
But she's long gone, like a wisp of smoke, an illusion in the night, and his world is dark until the day he dies.
(It's dark after that, too.)
He used to imagine a light at the end of the long tunnel – if he is good, if he is worthy, and if he waits, she'll come back to him.
Damon doesn't believe in salvation anymore.
3. He doesn't hate Stefan when he leaves him in that corpse-strewn house. (Stefan can have it. That place was never home. Not to him.)
No, the hate comes later: a bitter taste at the back of his throat as he's gulping human blood like brandy, his brother's face flashing behind his eyes.
The last time Damon saw his brother, Stefan was covered in blood.
It's simply easier to keep thinking of him that way.
(The next time he sees Stefan, he's an enemy.)
4. Deep down, he always knew Katherine was a lie. Don't be dense. How do you think he managed to hold on as long as he did?
4a. But lie or no, she's in every part of him now, seeped down to the bones that allow his every movement. Damon knows damn well he owes his survival to that psychotic bitch.
5. Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert.
The phrase is startling and unsteady in his mind. It quivers, fragile and intangible and just out of reach.
Not like: Damon Salvatore loves Katherine Pierce. That was a truth of his condition through life and death; it didn’t require questioning or verifying.
(Now it doesn’t bear thinking about.)
And not like: Stefan Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert. That's expected. The hero loves the heroine. A time-honoured tradition that’ll persist long after they’re all gone.
(And naturally, Elena Gilbert loves Stefan Salvatore is the second half of that equation.)
Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert…?
That’s new. He doesn’t have an answer. There is no answer. It’s an unsolved anomaly. It trips him up. Weighs heavy on his tongue.
(He’ll set it free, just once – and then he’ll pull it back inside himself. No one need know.)
This is a truth too heavy to support.
He takes it away from her.
6. He'll bleed you dry and steal your agency before he'll tell you why.
That's no bluff. He is genuinely every bit that cruel.
7. It's always a laugh to make them believe they're in love with him.
There's no danger in it (not for him), because there's no truth either.
(He'd feel more remorse, but he's never claimed to be brave.)
8. He'll die for Elena if he has to. She won't accept his love, but she'll probably accept his death.
8a. He no longer believes in hope, and that's how he knows he's not underestimating her.
9. He does miss being human. He wasn't lying about that. Mostly, Damon misses not being ashamed about it.
Then again, you really can't trust anything that cold-blooded murderer says.
10. Damon Salvatore is a survivor. He knows the truth of this, because he's still standing – against hope, against happiness, against every possible argument regarding what he deserves or not.
And really, that's the point. He's starting to get it.
*
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no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-10 01:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-08 02:52 pm (UTC)Damon doesn't believe in salvation anymore.
YES. Love.
Deep down, he always knew Katherine was a lie. Don't be dense. How do you think he managed to hold on as long as he did?
Yes again! I am totally with you on this.
(He’ll set it free, just once – and then he’ll pull it back inside himself. No one need know.)
This is a truth too heavy to support.
He takes it away from her.
Oh. *tear*
This is lovely! I missed the episode last night, so I'm gonna have to watch it online soon.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-08 11:09 pm (UTC)There wasn't much character-driven stuff in the new episode, but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the plot points!
no subject
Date: 2011-04-08 03:18 pm (UTC)And this: He'd feel more remorse, but he's never claimed to be brave. Yes that sums up Damon exactly.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-08 11:11 pm (UTC)That is my favorite line, ngl. Oh, Damon, if only everyone saw you like I do. ♥
no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 06:15 pm (UTC)"Not like: Damon Salvatore loves Katherine Pierce. That was a truth of his condition through life and death; it didn’t require questioning or verifying.
(Now it doesn’t bear thinking about.)"
All this talk about "love," and I still feel like Damon just doesn't get it at all--even when it comes to Elena, although it's the closest he's gotten because he doesn't know how to explain or verify or work through or even what the hell to do with it. I think he's only just barely beginning, which is why I love how you ended this fic. Who the hell knows if he'll get there or not, lol.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-10 11:56 am (UTC)ITA. I do believe that Damon loves Elena (and Stefan) as much as he's capable of doing so - but the dude really has no idea how to sustain an equal relationship with people, full stop. He wants it to be real, but he can't deal with reality. However, as slow as his progress has been, I really think he is learning. It's gonna take a while. I'm glad we're on the same wavelength, heh.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 07:59 pm (UTC)This is all. Well, it's not all, but you know. It's brilliant. I like how Unapologetic you are about who he is, my god. That's so special to readddd!
He is a survivor, and he doesn't get love. So this is truth!
no subject
Date: 2011-04-10 09:59 am (UTC)I like how Unapologetic you are about who he is, my god. That's so special to readddd!
Yay! Thank you! I feel like fandom is obsessed with either glorifying him or demonizing him, and I'm all, but about what the REAL DAMON SALVATORE???
So glad this resonates with you!
no subject
Date: 2011-07-03 10:37 pm (UTC)Damon doesn't believe in salvation anymore.
TRUTH. Sad, sad truth. :(
Deep down, he always knew Katherine was a lie. Don't be dense. How do you think he managed to hold on as long as he did?
akdhgdj!KSJDGd!! This was totally my favorite line. I had that ZING feeling of character realization when I read it. <3
He'll die for Elena if he has to. She won't accept his love, but she'll probably accept his death.
This is ALSO sadly true, and something I've thought about before. It's very Spike/Buffy.
In case it wasn't already obvious, I really like this. xD
no subject
Date: 2011-07-04 05:29 am (UTC)Very glad this rings true for you, oh fellow Damon-stan-in-arms! And thank you for the lovely comment! <3
no subject
Date: 2012-06-26 11:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-27 12:24 am (UTC)(Btw, I'm going to add you, because I'm rather impressed @ your stalking.)
no subject
Date: 2012-06-27 10:12 am (UTC)(Plus, now I can practice my stalking some more, GO ME :D)
no subject
Date: 2012-09-30 03:14 pm (UTC)This was great.
no subject
Date: 2012-10-01 05:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-01 07:19 am (UTC)i’d add ‘for some reason’ but I totally know. :-)